Poem: Snowflakes

Snowflakes (Nehemiah 9-10)

By: Quina

I fear my last breath will be filled with regrets

on this deathbed 

lying next

to idols I chose over You

left

empty and excuseless

My heart is weaker than

            a dried leaf

            I crumble and think

            of Your past and present faithfulness to me

            and I am baffled by my unbelief

            this senseless

            response to pressure and stress

Even these

            precious and pure

            snowflakes

                        fluttering down from

                                    Your hand above

                                                to mine below

            unique, glimmering

            necessarily temporary

            crafted to make me smile           

            and sing with

            greater praise to You…

I see them and

            run inside, and

            tell myself I will get

            cold and wet

            run inside,

            it seems safer, yet

            Love is

            pleasure and pain

            and I run as

            an escape with my lusts

            promising me just pleasure, but

            leading me to this deathbed

            and I feel the depression set in

            pressing upon my soul

for I’ve

            locked myself in this room with

            suicidal ambitions

            fueled by lies

I’ve heard in my heart, believed, and repeated until

it seems they’ve become a part of me—

            “You will

            never be understood, so

            silence will save you

            from more pain.”

            “There’s no

            deliverance

            for pits this deep, which

            you have dug for yourself.”

            And,

            “You are alone.”—

and I crawl toward

shadows in this room

cast only

by undeniable beams of light,

Your continued mercy,

shining through the window

where I still see

            those snowflakes

            You are

            still pursuing me…

But I am

            unable to comprehend

            these depraved shadows in my mind

            much less articulate a confession

            when

            my sins have reached the heavens

So I

            close my mouth, and

            pride freezes me from the inside

This warm house was a delusion

            stupid lies

            embrace of insanity

running

from my cross to bear

when

You offer me

life in exchange for my worthless tries

at breathing in this room, suffocating

Ashamed,

I

cannot run from You, yet

before You I cannot stand.

When

             I reach to close those blinds

            upon the window, so as

            to dwell in despair

            with darkness all around me,

a shadow You cast

            from behind me

            startling

            it reaches around my arms,

            horizontal beams,

            then the rest of me is covered, a

            vertical beam,

and I am left to gaze

trembling

at the cross You bore for me

there on it

is nailed all my iniquities

and before it

I weep,

and confess,

            “You are a God ready to forgive

            merciful and gracious

            abounding in

            steadfast love

            You will never give me up

            You keep covenant,

            Righteous One,

            You have dealt faithfully

            and I so wickedly,

            Yet in this room

            You have refused to grant me rest

            Only to meet me in my misery

            to hear my cry of distress

            and answer me with Your sure salvation

            so I might run

            outside into the snow

            finding warmth in Your fellowship—

            this cross on my back.

I mind not

getting wet, soaked even

by trials and daily death

if my heart is on fire

and I can feel You again…”

Snowflakes will fall and melt at Your will

Still, I’ll take Your path:

            Death to self for life You will resurrect

            instead of a life preserved for regrets

            on this deathbed.