"Confessional" by Deraj is probably my favorite song of confession because of his transparency and his emphasis on how the gospel applies to his struggle. My favorite line is "But if I never had to fight like this ida’ never seen Christ like this," because the Lord brought him to the point of praising God for his sin struggle. This is huge. God used his struggle with sexual immorality for his good by allowing him to understand and appreciate the Person and work of Christ in a deeper way. I praise God for Deraj's boldness and humility to write this song because it has ministered to me greatly.
Lyrics:
I never thought I’d have to fight like this,
only pain make me write like this,
I’m feeling so ashamed of my ways on a night like this,
I swear I’ve never seen a sight like this,
looking at my frame in disgust,
cause the things I discuss,
in my heart and my brain,
premeditates lust,
I said my flesh I never would trust,
but I resurrect dust cause I love it so much,
I’ve filled my cup with a whole lot of stuff,
that I never should have,
and misplaced my trust,
and now I’ve had enough,
but I’m filling like I’m stuck,
cause I need a make over,
please move that bus,
if you’re listening then I’ll be real,
for the sake of another,
my pride be killed,
and yes I’ll spill all my flaws and failures,
even that stuff I said that I wouldn’t tell ya,
cause everything ain’t what it seems,
it parts inside of me I would hate to be seen,
I’m so perverse you would hate to be me,
when choosing sin it’s like I hate being free,
I never thought I’d have to fight like this,
thought I’d never touch a mic like this,
cause I done shows on the road on a night like this,
then I storm into porn so quick,
I felt so sick, but that ain’t even the half,
see me at church I’m all smiles and laughs,
but I’m feeling so hurt cause I’m allowing a mask,
just hoping they don’t ask,
just hoping they walk past,
barely surviving and lying,
flying on the highway with shades on,
so they can’t see that I’m crying,
on my way to work,
and I’m late because before I left out,
I’m doing things I hate
and I ain’t the only one,
someone here can relate and for you to be free,
I’ll say whatever it takes,
I’ll do whatever I can,
I’ll look like less of a man,
even though I’m ashamed of what I did with me hands,
but for you I will stand,
I don’t want to see you cry like this
and I don’t want to see you die like this,
feeling so ashamed cause you saved and you battling with this lust
and your flesh won’t quit,
I know how it feels,
I confessed to my peers,
confessed to my pastor,
and still fell after and read that chapter for months,
week after week,
I thought I wasn’t saved son I can’t even front,
and I’m standing in the pews trying to lead worship,
thinking that I could hide all of it under the surface,
I wanted to die,
I thought about suicide,
I wanted to run away,
just wanted to run and hide,
confessing it to my girl,
ashamed to look in her eyes,
just praying she understands hoping she won’t despise me,
at the end of my rope,
but hoping to hold on,
I’m needing another chance,
but I know that I’m so wrong,
But if I never had to fight like this ida’ never seen Christ like this,
He came down and He touched my face,
and when He died He had took my place,
it’s as if He was the one who had lied,
the one who had coveted,
the one who was struggling,
the one who was pleasing his flesh,
the one who’s misleading his steps,
knowing it would lead him to death,
the one who made excuses to fall,
the one who watched porn,
the one who slacked off,
the one who was lazy,
and wouldn’t wage war,
and whenever he did,
he did it with out a sword,
the one who was afraid,
afraid of rejection,
the one who let pride get in the way of confession,
the one who was insane,
and wouldn’t learn his lesson,
the one was ashamed,
ashamed of his own reflection,
that was the Christ I saw,
and my wrongs he had wore them all,
and wore them strong for joy set before Him,
and he showed grace even though I had ignored Him,
yeah I was a harlot,
they called me a loser,
and even though I fall He said where are your accusers?,
He said, "You are free now sin no more,
My child you are free,
to please your Lord cause you are in Me…"
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